Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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