I wish my penis had an off switch
OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
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