My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
