so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
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