Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
