dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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