Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize