it was like his penis was on wheels.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
