i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
