what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
