were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
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