thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Randomize
