well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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