this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
