he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
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