i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
