There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
