I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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