If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
