dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Randomize
