we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
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