Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Randomize
