my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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