Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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