I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
