Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
