do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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