We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
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