I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Hippo gnu deer
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize