Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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