there's paper in my vomit.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
