I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
