I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
you inspire me to be a worse person
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
