My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
