The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
