Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
