R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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