someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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