Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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