I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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