girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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