Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I deserve this hangover.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
