Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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