just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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