I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize
