How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Randomize
