my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Randomize