I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Randomize
