if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
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