you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
