After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize
