I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
My balls are so social today.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
