I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I touched a dick in church today
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
