woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize