He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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