I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
