mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
