pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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