This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
