Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
