I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
Randomize
