He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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