dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
