my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Randomize
